To Mom...

" '...I wonder if there's a difference between being a dutiful mother and being a good mother.'

'There is,' I said, and Charlotte looked up at me, expectant. Even if I couldn't articulate the difference as an adult, as I child, I had felt it. I thought for a moment.

'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes,' I said.

'And a good mother?'

I lifted my gaze to Charlotte's. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow her.'

-From Handle with Care by Jodi Piccoult

Introducing...

( The boyfriend...yes, it's true. This is Zach and I love him! )

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't

And now I cannot stop pacing

Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out

If my mind would just stop racing


'Cause I cannot stand stillI can't be this unsturdy


This cannot be happening


This is over my head but underneath my feet


'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat


And everything will be back to the way that it was


I wish that it was just that easy


'Cause I'm waiting for tonight


Then waiting for tomorrow


And I'm somewhere in between


What is real and just a dream...What is real and just a dream...What is real and just a dream...


Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in


Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again


I don't want to run away from thisI know that I just don't need this


'Cause I cannot stand stillI can't be this unsturdy


This cannot be happening


'Cause I'm waiting for tonight


Then waiting for tomorrow


And I'm somewhere in between


What is real and just a dream...What is real and just a dream...What is real and just a dream...What is real and just a dream...

"You've lost yourself in your search to find...something else to hide behind"

That's an incredibly good line from the song "Simon" by Lifehouse. I recently came across an burned CD that I made Shane. I made it for him after he got his heart broken at one point. There are so many good songs on that album. It's truly been years since I've hurt or ached over music like that. Playing the CD brought me back. It actually brought me back to a time in my life when I was housesitting in Eagle and had some issues with men and family stuff going on and I listened to some of these songs quite frequently. I decided to share the lyrics from the song "Simon" as well as some other good lines from that CD. WOW! I honestly miss that...it's things like that that remind me that I live such a blessed life. As a young college student I felt so much at times it was painful but SO incredibly worth it...enjoy!

Simon

Catch your breath

Hit the wall

Scream out loud

As you start to crawl

Back in your cage

The only place

Where they will Leave you alone. '

Cause the weak will Seek the weaker til they've broken them.

Could you get it back again?

Would it be the same?

Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense

Left you with no defense

They tore it down.

(Chorus)

And I have felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same.

Locked inside

The only place

Where you feel sheltered, Where you feel safe

You lost yourself

In your search to find

Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.

Did they see the consequence,when they pushed you around?

The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones

Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

(Chorus)

Refuse to feel anything at all

Refuse to slip

Refuse to fall.

Can't be weak

Can't stand still

You watch your back 'cause no one will.

You don't know why they had to go this far

Traded your worth for these scars

For your only company.

And don't believe the lies

That they have told to you.

Not one word was true you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

(Chorus)

"And if you've never heard that silence, it's a God awful sound..."--"Kody" by Matchbox 20(this is my very favorite Matchbox 20 song, by the way:)

"Somebody ought to take you in. Try to make you love again. Try to make you like the way they feel. nWhen theyre under your skin. Never once did think theyd lie when theyre holding you. You wonder why they havent called when they said theyd call you. You start to wonder if youre ever gonna make it by. Youll start to think you were born blind."--"Hand Me Down" by Matchbox 20

"If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine if it had a home would it be my eyes would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this well here we go now one more time....I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground I tried to earn my way I tried to change this mind you better believe that I have tried to beat this .."--"Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse

"I am all that I'll ever be when you - lay your hands over me but don't go weak on me now. I know that it's weak, but God help me I need this."--"Bed of Lies" by Matchbox 20 (one of the most amazing songs ever)

Did You Know?!?!?

You may be sick of hearing about this...but I really, honestly, and truly don't care. I had a miniature breakdown today. Maybe more than miniature...probably the biggest one yet. Today, I miss my Grandma terribly, maybe some part of the reality hit me? Maybe it's that so much is going on in my life right now and I need her SO badly. I don't know. I do know that writing about her will make me feel better. So I've decided to write you all a list (surprised?) of stuff you may or may not know about her and my relationship with her...

Did You Know?

*My grandma used to make me cream of mushroom soup FREQUENTLY when I came home (to her house)from kindergarten

*She babysat my dolls for me

*I watched the Today Show, Regis and Kathy Lee, and a lot of other television shows with her.

*I watched Jay Leno with both of my grandparents on Friday nights my sophomore year of college...I used to love to laugh really hard and sometimes Grandma would go, "Well my goodness...it's not THAT funny!"

*She called me "Sharlee Rose"

*She once gave me a stuffed fox dressed as a girl for Easter. She told me she found them under her trailer (she had an animal for Shane, too) and she named her "Foxy Lady"--I didn't make the connection to my granmda being witty until much later

*Drove us to school most mornings because we preferred it even though we could've taken the bus

*She gave me lipgloss/chapstick stuff when I was on my way to go on a date with my very first boyfriend she told me I might need it

*I waited 2 weeks to tell her that I had a boyfriend for the first time because I knew that was a moment I could never get back. I wanted to be sure it was valid and he wouldn't change his mind (p.s. He did anyway)

*She used to call me to give me weather updates

*Call to see how something I asked her to pray for turned out--she never forgot

*Even up until this year...my grandma would have my grandpa go to the store and bring me by juice or icecream or whatever she thought I needed to make me feel better when I was sick

*She really wanted me to play the violin

*She never made a single problem of mine feel small to her...from age 4 to age 24

*I have a box of Tide in my closet that I will probably never use because laundry was her specialty and she bought me all of my laundry stuff this time when I moved out. She told mom to tell me to remember my grandparents every time I wash my clothes. I do. (Even though I can't bring myself to use the detergent)

*She bought stuff from my school fundraisers and NEVER complained about how small it was

*Loved unconditionally

*Held my hand

Did you know she was honestly one of the best friends I will ever have??

Did you know I miss her terribly?!?

Did you know that I love her even more?!

QUESTIONS!!!!

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm in a mood!




Which coffee flavor are you? I'd say I'm hot chocolate...I think it suits me, too! :)


Which of your friends can you see together as a couple? Hmmm...most of my friends are couples and I think they work. I don't like to play that game...I don't have as great of luck as I originally thought :(


Which popular sitcom character are you closest to? Monica on "Friends" FOR SURE! Although, sometimes I see a little of me in Frasier or Will (of "Will and Grace") but MONICA.


Which has been your happiest moment in life? I would maybe say the day that I got my teaching job at Wilson--or the day I started moving in. I cried when I saw the cardboard taped to the outside of my room that read "Larson 119"--it would have to be something around that. I was incredibly, ridiculously happy when I started teaching.


If told that this is your last day on earth, how would you spend it? With my family, close friends, and Zach (who's in a category all his own..at least for now :)


Rate all your friends on the basis of their sense of humor on a scale of ten.

Oh I can't do that. They're so funny in so many different ways. They all make me laugh in different ways. I can't do this one.


If you were granted three wishes, what would you ask for? Happiness (for me and my family), Health (for me and my family), and a family of my own.


Name one annoying habit of any of your friends’, which you would really like to change!

Taking away from things that are special to me...almost all of my friends do it in one form or another.


Name one quality that you absolutely adore in your friends. That they're friends with me...it automatically makes them unique :) All of my friends are respectable, genuine, and funny!! :)


What has been your best-kept secret to date?

Well my best kept secret is still my best kept secret :) Although, now Zach shares in it...but it's still pretty much a well kept secret :)