I'm having a dilemma...
Okay. Those of you who know me, know that I have ALWAYS wanted children. I always thought that I had a gift with children. (I don't feel that way as much anymore as there are some days when I loose all patience with my students, but I used to believe I had a gift). Now that I'm married, the possibility of becoming a mother is more real than ever and I am absolutely TERRIFIED. Between reading blogs of moms (almost everyone except for Heather's blog--Heather always posts good things about her kids and family) and going to Relief Society I am freaked out about becoming a mother. I like kids. I want to be a good mom...no...A GREAT mom. I really do and I honestly had always arrogantly thought that I would be the BEST. But now I'm having total and complete doubts. I don't want to stay in my pajamas all day without doing my hair. I don't want to "need to get out of the house." I don't want my relationship with Zach to struggle--not saying it will but we are having a lot of fun right now and I'm selfish.I have to explain that I want to be like my own mother. I never once remember my mom saying anything like, "Oh, if you thinks she's cute you can HAVE her!" "With how crazy I've been with my kids this week, I am looking forward to a week without them at Girls Camp." "Sometimes by Monday, I'm happy to drop him/her off at daycare!" And you get the picture...she never said that. I know this because 1. I hear/heard EVERYTHING and hold onto that FOREVER 2. I am extremely sensitive and something like that would have hurt my feelings so badly.
I want to be like my mom but I am SO SO SO incredibly far from that right now and I don't have time to become her or I will surely be past the baby making ages. So what do I do? Can someone please give me some advice? What are some things that help you ? (Please do not respond with "mommy time-outs" or "anti-depressants.") Is there something I can do now to prepare me. Are there words of advice that you can offer me or something POSITIVE to go on. I know it will be a joyous experience but I don't want to be a mom that is pissy all day about my kids and my situation and then feels guilty at the end of the day when I put my child to bed and s/he looks sweet and innocent then. (I will admit sometimes I do that with our dog...) I will tell you that I am a person that needs a clean home and things to be in order and I know that will be difficult but it's not impossible. Please help...comment or something!!
4 comments:
I’m not a mom yet, but I felt prompted to say something. So, without reservation here I go. I want you to know that I have no doubt at all that you will make an amazing mother. It’s innate in your character. Being a mom changes people for the better and is an innate quality that is given by god. In my lifetime I have seen women step up to that role when I have had reservations about their ability to give what they need to their children. I’m amazed at the natural instincts that come in being a mom. When people become parents it teaches them selfless unconditional love. I have been amazed at your wonderful motherly qualities and your ability to love people. There is no doubt in my mind that those qualities will be magnified when you become a mother. The fears that you have are normal…. Being responsible for a child is scary…..but you will do amazing. I hear what you do for your students, and I am amazed at your compassion and patience with them. Being a mother is the hardest thing that you will ever do, but it will be your greatest reward. I think you will make a lot of mistakes, but as from anything in your life you will learn from them. Your mom did not become the woman she is because she did everything perfect the first time…she is the woman she is because she choose to do all that she could and left the rest up to the lord. There is no magic wand or book to prepare you for the journey you will take when you have children. Once you think you have it down ……something will come along to surprise you. At those moments where you are unsure or questioning what you need to do…….is when you need to get on your knees and pray….it is there heavenly father will teach you. Trust him…..Have faith that he will give you what you need to fulfill and magnify your calling as a mother. You’re a woman who lives close to the spirit, and will do what the lord needs you to do. I KNOW that you will be an amazing mom…. I know it.
First off, thank you for the compliment about my positive blog :) I like to record the good experiences although there are many times where being a mom is tough but these good moments and experiences make it so worth it and by writing them down, you can read them on the bad days and know the good times will outweigh the hard times!! My advice to you is take one day at a time, actually one minute at a time! You will have nine months to prepare or at least "think" of motherhood and get as prepared as you can be then the baby is here and you just become a mom. During the next days and years you really learn to rely on the Lord through prayer and rely on your husband. It has been one of my favorite things watching my husband be a dad and letting him help with the kids even if it's not the way you would do something, it isn't going to kill the kids and the help is wonderful! I think it also helps to accept the facts that the house will be dirtier and more cluttered than usual, the laundry will pile up, you will have days where you will shower at 5pm if you get a shower at all and pjs will often be your outfit, but IT'S OK!! That's something I had to accept..that life won't be so organized and perfect, but it's perfect to bring these precious little spirits to the earth to have a body and to be loved by a family. Also, get together with other moms from your ward or other friends and just socialize although much of it might be "mommy talk" but just talking to adults is wonderful! Sharlee, I know you will be a great mom-give yourself some credit and just learn as you go. If you have any other questions or concerns, I would be glad to help!
Being a mom is the funnest, hardest, most wonderful job that you will ever have. There is a lot of advice out there, but the best advice I have for you is to council about everything with your husband and Heavenly Father in prayer separately and together. And then when you have a tough morning motivating yourself to be super mom on 2 hours of sleep, you get up and make your bed.
Prepare for a baby? I never did that... I bought a crib and some clothes and read some books, but your natural motherly instincts will take over and you will figure it out. Everyone has doubts, I was way too nervous to bathe Abby at home the first time, and clip her nails. I called my mom, she came over, we did it together, and took pictures; I'm sure your mom will be more than willing to help.
The most important thing I have learned in motherhood is how to go with the flow. I think it is more important to snuggle my kids when they want it than to worry about the laundry. The clothes will be there later, my kids will not always want to snuggle.
In some ways its good to be terrified. Being a mom is a big responsibility. You will be a GREAT mom, not the best because I took the title (haha).
And just so you know, not everyone wears their pjs all day. I like my sweatpants but I don't wear them everyday. I know a lady with 6 kids all under 8. She powers through her day like there is a cape on her back. It's hard but so worth it. Follow the advice your other friends left, they were more eloquent than me. I love you Sharlee! You will do great. You know I don't live that far away...
I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who commented. I'm still worried and struggling but I do feel better. I've been praying and luckily Heavenly Father blessed me with these responses as well as a few incidents...one at the gym (I ran into a lady in my ward with her kids there--VERY POSITIVE experience) and one with the woman I visit teach. So things are looking up. I'm not pregnant just and FYI. Just thinking about having a kid and freaking out. That's all :) Thank you! I appreciate all of you so very much!!
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